Your Mustard

You may be asking yourself why this page is called "Your Mustard". Well, in Germany we often find massively funny replacements for ordinary words. So instead of saying "Ihr Leserbrief" (Your letter to the editor), many Germans will say "Ihr Senf" (Your mustard) instead, which is of course much more funny.

So below is your mustard. Send more !

Cow Joke Request

Richard wrote:

You used to have a Mad Cow joke on your site – can you send it to me please?

Thanks

Dear Richard,

thank you for your request regarding the Mad Cow Joke, which we make available for real joke lovers only. Here goes: The Mad Cow joke.

Ahahahahahahahaha,

Herr Kunz and Herr Kallenbrecher

Consumer Inquiry I

Donna Barr from France wrote, after a visit to our shop:

Sehr geehrte Humorschweine:

Yes, but does it come with sausages? Or at least real smoked pig parts? I assume you will be registering with an online butcher service to provide this important and noble service? Please, no horsemeat.

This is a French joke that does not translate at all in the New World.

D Barr

Consumer Inquiry II

James Schmidt from Texas wrote, after a visit to our shop:

....please, please PLEASE remove me from your mailing list. I have listened
to over 20 of your so-called "jokes" and did not find one of them to be even
remotely funny. Hope you guys didn't quit your day jobs...

Dear Jim,

there are no 20 jokes.

Yours Sincerely

Shopkeeper Kunz and Shopkeeper Kallenbrecher

The German Humour Ambassador Writes (again)

Herr Wehn from London, the German Humour Ambassador to England and a popular Jokemeister, wrote:

Guten Tag Herr Kunz und Herr Kallenbracher, your topical World Cup joke is very funny indeed.

I also like your merchandising section. I quite fancy myself in one of those cheeky "Ways to make you laugh" T-shirts. Thanks God Christmas is just round the corner and I can ask my Mutter to buy me one of those.

Auf Wiedersehen

Herr Wehn

Thoughtful Commentary

Kolja from Hamburg, Germanywrote:

really funny no, really!

Warm Up your Jokes

Harry Maurer from Cheshunt in England wrote:

I do think German Jokes become funnier, not only when spoken out louder, but also when once, twice or trice warmed up! :o)

How to Pose as a German Speaker?

Jani from Outside of Germanywrote:

so i have a small dilemma.

i may have told a few people that i am more advanced than i am in german.

i may have agreed to do a german presentation for a bunch of people celebrating oktoberfest in a few weeks... because hey, how hard can it be?

please help me... what do i do??? and can you give me a few phrases to get me though??

Dear Jani,

thank you for letting us help you with this tricky problem.

First, we suggest shouting. Frequently, Germans (or those posing as Germans) are misunderstood in foreign countries. This is because they do not speak loud enough.

Second, we suggest you pick an Octoberfest where nobody can tell. Follow this handy link for the frequently underrated Octoberfest warmup party of the Canadian Society in Taiwan.

Good luck ! Herr Kunz and Herr Kallenbrecher

No Jokes about the World Cup?

Chris Guyard from France wrote on the day after the World Cup Semi Finals:

Guten Morgen ! Do you not have a German Joke today? Because of the world cup hangover? What a pity that Germany and France are not going to play against each other in Berlin. Do you have any reactions from Britain?

Dear Mr. Guyard,

sadly, this world cup holds no special interest for German humour engineers, as it did not involve a German-British penalty shootout.

Stiffly,

Herr Kunz and Herr Kallenbrecher

Danke, Danke, Danke !

Melanie Bultschnieder from Yorkshire wrote and we translated:

Sehr geehrter Herr Kunz, sehr geehrter Herr Kallenbrecher,

Dear Sirs,

auf diesem Wege moechte ich mich bei Ihnen fuer Ihre einzigartige Website bedanken, hat sie mir doch geholfen, meinen britischen Freunden und Kollegen den deutschen Humor nicht nur zu erklaeren, sondern auch anzuregen, deren lame jokes bei Ihnen zur Reparatur einzusenden.

thank you for your unique website, which has helped me explain German humour to my British friends and colleagues, and (insert random insult here).

Ich wusste immer, dass wir Deutschen den besten Sinn fuer Humor haben.

I always knew that Germans have the best sense of humour.

Nun haben wir die Gebrauchsanleitung! Vielleicht freut Sie auch dieser kleine Scherz:

Now we have the user manual ! Maybe you like the following little joke.

Feldwebel: "Rrrrrrrrechts um! Das gilt auch fuer den Kleinen da hinten mit den roten Haaren!" Soldat: "Aber Herr Feldwebel, das ist doch ein Hydrant." Feldwebel: "Das macht nix, Akademiker hoern auch auf mein Kommando!"

Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja!... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

Best regards !

My horseshed is on fire !

German Jokes for China?

Rana Kadir from China wrote:

Dear Sir,

I am in china, i just want ask to send me some joke in german language. please help me and send me. thanks.

I am looking forward to hearing from you.

Best regards,

Rana

Dear Rana,

thank you for your interest in the best of German humour. While the German Witzausfuhrkontrollverordnung (WTZFKTRV) has been recently relaxed to allow for the export of German grade punchlines to countries outside the European Union, we are not sure that the Chinese government will let them in. We are advised to proceed with utmost circumspection. Keep checking your postbox in the coming months. We will send you the requested joke word by word, so that in the end you can simply assemble your final joke without "triggering any alarms". Clever, huh? Your first word is: "Wurstpelle".

Yours sincerely,

Herr Kunz and Herr Kallenbrecher

Heard you on the Radio !

Paul MacAlindon from Scotland wrote:

Hi guys,

I heard you on Radio Scotland today, and thought of my class of German business student, whose homework for today was to tell a German joke in English. Needless to say, your website and sound files will become an integral part of my intercultural and accent training for my German students.

Best,

Paul MacAlindin

GERMAN JOKES LIVE ON BBC RADIO (again!)

Tune into your favorite BBC program on Wednesday afternoon to hear Herr Kunz explain everything you need to know about the Football Meisterschaft ! You can tune in by radio or via the internet. Don't miss this make or break event explaining all you need to know for the games in Germany.

Cultural Stereotypes

Jess Stuart from the USA wrote:

Hello Herr Kunz and Herr Kallenbrecher, I'm Jess from the USA. I'm interested in puzzles, so I'm trying to figure out German humor. BTW, I find your site hilarious. OK, it seems the focus in German humor is: a) the object itself (i.e. French Cars); b) a situation which involves juxtaposition (bathing is unacceptable, but nudity is fine); c) a lack of understanding (not enough duck, we'll get the feathers). English humor seems to derive from the vagueness of the English language ("How does your dog smell? Badly - it has no nose!"). So, here's why I think someone wanted a German version of the lumberjack sketch from Monty Python: The barber wants to be a real man, so he sings of becoming a cross-dressing lumberjack who presses flowers. Is my analysis anywhere close to your understanding of German humor? I await the input of experts such as yourselves. Thanks, Jess

Dear Jess,

no, that's not correct.

Yours sincerely,

Herr Kunz and Herr Kallenbrecher

Bob Dylan

Thomas Stroud wrote:

The question of the subject line comes to mind because I have your site bookmarked as "The German Joke of the day". And as I would like to go to the site and see a new German Joke every day, alas- experience tells me that I will enjoy the old jokes still there, but on few days will I find a new joke to enjoy. So, what? Is the title of the website a German joke as well? Hahaha

Dear Thomas ,

thank you for your inquiry and your understandable concern. Many people get this wrong. When we publish "The German Joke of the Day", we by no means suggest that it should be a different joke every day. In fact, it can be the same joke for a long time, given that German jokes often have the same effect on their audience, whether they hear them for the first, a fifth or a fiftieth time. We call this principle "joke stability".

Greetings from Germany ,

Herr Kunz and Herr Kallenbrecher

Really German?

Kiran Ganesh from the UK wrote:

Hello, my friend and i have been having a bit of a debate as to whether you are really german and if your site is a genuine german jokes page or if its a satire aimed to amuse british people. I would appreciate a reply with a little something about yourself and the ideas behind the site. Many Thanks, Kiran Ganesh

Dear Kiran,

we have been having a bit of a debate about this ourselves, and think you are correct.

Yours sincerely,

Herr Kunz and Herr Kallenbrecher

KUNZ AND KALLENBRECHER IN "THE TIMES" !

Again, the British press is taking note. Click here to read how The German Joke of the Day became Website of the Week in the Times of London, beating tough competition from an online vendor specializing on toasted bread. We are receiving congratulations from all over the world, thank you. Click here to follow the ecstatic reception on the internet.